Berlin // 2018

Berlin // 

Berlin has elevated my way of experiencing. 

Traveling in any unknown space will demand some change—if not, just a slight adjustment. My time in Berlin so far has taught me to embrace whatever comes my way. Scribbling in my journal, I’ve thought of the many levels of this trip. All intertwining, complimenting, and screwing with each other. 

On the base level is myself. Me abroad. Out of the nest. Also my relationship to myself. How I operate, alone. My inner dialogues become more certain and reliable. In previous travails, I made it a goal to not operate out of fear, while still being a rational human being. Sorta living the way I’ve been taught to act on stage. “Yes, And.” And more than ever, I’ve been speaking to myself with a confidence that has allowed for some contradicting and unexpected thoughts to give rise—something I wouldn’t be able to take were this a year ago. Embracing difficult situations as the moment. And not denying my restlessness or agitation or even uncomfortable laughter as anything less than an opportunity to reassess how _____ made me feel. Question everything not because I have to, but because I want to. 

Which I guess brings me to the second level of the trip for me which is Germany. Specifically Berlin, but since this is my first exposure to Germany as country—it’s one and the same. (That will change with time or if I ever get out of this city for a day.) But this city has given me a lot to respond to. Challenges. Conquering Fears. Extremes. Privilege. Darkness. Heat. Hope. 

Third tier would have to be the people. This group of twenty seekers, all looking through different tinted sunglasses. It’s been one of the highlights of this trip, to break bread and drink wine (or Radlers) with people I’ve wanted to get to know, but never found the time to, in New Brunswick. I find a lot of pleasure in getting to know interesting people, but also in getting to know myself in relation to a new group (tribe). If that makes sense. It’s reassuring to know that my social reality is not limited to just those in my acting company, or those in the arts for that matter. 

The final level is what I am doing with this group in Berlin, Germany. Experiencing theatre. Opened ended enough not to induce stress, but focused enough not to let me go adrift.

Seen a lot of thought provoking shows so far, each touching a different part of me in a different way. When encountering a new place, I hope to understand the place better through the art. Not always the most authentic way to take in its people, because actors tend to be more than human and unless you talk to them after the show, not a great representation of Berliners. And I’m sensing a theme recurring in the audience demographic. But art is my way. It makes sense and I trust it. 

After the impromptu trip to the Deutsches Historisches Museum, I had a humiliating, difficult moment. But one worth sharing. 

After spending close to four hours (not enough) going through the history of Germany, I was saturated with a lot of feelings. It never gets harder to read about the atrocities that have happened and to see how insidiously it came into fruition. And when all was done, I exited to exhibit with hope. I got my bag. Went to the restroom. And as I’m doing my business, I hear this younger boy’s voice say, “No Gays Allowed” to another group of boys washing their hands. I was shocked to be even hearing that, in all places. I told myself, as I went to wash my hands, I’d say something to the boy. There were at least nine of them. About 14. British, too. But as I was finishing up at the sink, he said, “I already said, NO Gays Allowed.” I didn’t know if I wanted to knock the kid out or cry. But I said nothing. I just looked at him for a brief moment and left. I walked the rest of the day going through what I would’ve said to this boy and how that might’ve made an impact. But I froze and chose the path of least resistance—something I’ve done in the past, but it took that museum and seeing what can happen when good people say nothing. It’s a slippery slope and I’m no longer beating myself up about that moment, but I’m learning from it. Berlin has made me confront the weaknesses inside myself. 

Berlin to me is a city of reflection and action. 

// Brett