EGGY

The 2020 election is coming up, and so far there have been two Democratic Debates, both of which I watched. For a brief moment, the moderators brought up the topic of climate change. Yes, they addressed the topic, but I was disappointed by the surface-level discussion on the crisis. I think that we are still stuck in the process of bringing a conversation and attention to the topic, but there is so little to be done in presenting and enacting a solution.

STOP MIR REICHT'S!!! - STOP I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!

ANYWAY, this conversion, or lack thereof, on climate change, reminded me of the day when I was walking back from Hamburger Bahnhof. While I was walking back, I noticed children walking with their parent(s), holding up signs. I squinted my way through the streets, not thinking much about the signs.

I eventually ended up at the Hauptbahnhof station and got my Rice On! because I was absolutely famished. I got the green curry with chicken meatballs and rice noodles. But that is beside the point. A family of three sat next to me and the dad was holding the daughter's sign. I stared far it for quite a long time to make out what it was, I probably stared a little bit too long. I accidentally made I contact and gave the dad a big smile and waved hi to ease the awkwardness. I nervously asked, "Sprechen sie Englisch?" He said, "Yes."

I apologized for staring and proceeded to ask him what the poster was for. He told me that students were stepping out of school that day to gather and take part in a rally to demand climate change outside the German capital. He also said that his daughter and her classmates were going to head to a natural science museum later to learn more about the environment.

I thought that that was so fricken cool, so I asked to take a photo of the poster.

It had a front AND a back!

STOP JETZT!!! - STOP NOW!!!

I learned a couple of things from this poster. There are so many contributors to climate change:

• Deforestation
• Factory pollution 
• Greenhouse gases from livestock
• Automobile emissions
• Shipping industry emissions
• Aircraft emissions
• Industrial pollution
• Air pollution

The main message: the planet is overworked from the increasing levels of fossil fuels.

It is pretty neat that something as simple a poster, a drawing, could communicate and bring attention to many important and complex topics. I found a pretty cool link of a brief history of protest art:

https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/gallery/2017/sep/06/a-brief-history-of-protest-art-from-the-1940s-until-now-whitney-new-york 

Art is powerful. An artist captures an experience, or experiences, through imagination and translates it in a drawing, a song, a play, a story, whatever it may be. Art is powerful in that for just a couple of minutes, the audience/spectator is looking at a picture, or watching a film, is caring about someone else's story/life. That is, in its purest form, empathy. Art can truly change the world if we start understanding and focusing on other people's story. We become more sensitive to other people's wants and needs, and we find a different perspective, the new "truth", on the world.

i am awake.

LIMBO 

Here I am, up at 3 am. Lying in bed with my eyes wiiide open because I have terrible jetlag and it is 9 am in Berlin, Germany. I am awake anyway, so I figured I should spend some time writing and reflecting on the 21 days I was abroad.

I spent my first day back at New Jersey working my 9 to 5 at an ophthalmologist practice, pre-testing patients and giving them eye exams... I watched the hours tick by, and I thought to myself, "What am I doing here?"

I have consumed so much for the past 3 weeks, but what am I supposed to do with it? 

In Berlin, I felt like a kid in a candy store, a fun-sized human taking in all of the art, theater, music, greenery, scenery, buildings, etc. After consuming all of the confectionaries, I felt a little spoiled... and guilty, I suppose. I feel like I have cheated myself by going back to my routine of working at a doctor's office without applying much of what I have learned throughout the trip into any medium of art. I feel lucky I have learned so much and I am amazed at how my mind broadened so much for the past 3 weeks, but I cannot help but feel a little guilty I am not doing anything related to theater.

I think, what I can do now is...reflect. I can talk to my parents, my sister, my friends, my family friends, my neighbors, and my pet goldfish Dobby, about my experience in Berlin, and flush out all of my emotions, share the stories of every photo, talk about the history of the buildings, cemeteries, memorials I have visited, etc., but all of this conversation leads to me thinking I should do something.
Please don't ask me what I want to do because I don't know what I want to do and I don't know how...

EPIPHANY

I am so frustrated with myself. I am frustrated with myself because I put too many expectations on this trip. The theater is a whole other realm for me, and I thought this trip was going to answer: what is my next step as a theater artist?

WELL! ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE!!! What did I get myself into?!

I have never felt more filled to the brim with so much knowledge about theater, art, and history. My mind is running, running, and running. My mind is racing, like a hamster running in a wheel. I think the issue is that all this time, I thought there was only one direction to grow. I thought that this trip would point me to one clear path. I have been taught to choose one path and climb the "career ladder" there. The problem with the "career ladder", is that it is linear. The truth is life does not grow in one direction. I suppose growth, and being an artist, does not happen all at once -  it stretches and sprouts in different corners and bumps in life.

INSATIABLE

I am motivated to learn more about theater. I am motivated, but I am scared to be ambitious. I am scared because there are so many possibilities, but I am not sure if the path I choose is "right". I guess there is no "right" choice, and whatever I choose now can shape and inform me in some way in the future. I think I am scared I have to make a choice, any choice. What I am saying is, "I want to make a well-informed choice."

I want to challenge myself, and I recognize I must be realistic.

I think another thing I am also finding trouble with coping with the idea I am no longer part of a school where it is a place to try out new material but provides a safety net which allows me to fail.
Another thing is that the school provides training. I need more training. I need more practice. A theater minor was an intro to theater arts, but it is not enough to do anything really related to theater arts. So what do I do now? Should I find a mentor? Build relationships? Get a new internship? Read another book related to acting/theater? Join a movement class? Take voice lessons? Write another short story or a poem? Learn a new instrument? Paint? Get back to calligraphy? Create something?

I am curious, and I want to know and learn more.
I am trying to find an outlet and exercise what I have learned.
I don't know what to do with everything that is given to me, and one day I will find a way to utilize it.

There is so much to do, so much to learn, so much to practice, so much to express, so much share, so much to give...

PERSPECTIVE

Just when you think you are saturated with knowledge, you find there is so much more to learn about the world. In turn, it puts everything into perspective, and you learn a bit more about yourself.

There is another thing I realized from this trip: I am enough. 

I never gave myself a chance because I give myself a hard time. There were moments throughout this trip when I caught myself hesitating when I was speaking because I thought I was not well informed about theater. Little did I know that not knowing as much about theater and a background in science gave me a different perspective in examining art and storytelling.

I never gave myself a chance. Lack of confidence is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If I never give myself a chance, how will I ever know what I am capable of?
If I never give myself a chance, how can I ever expect anybody else to give me a chance?

I hope I am not the only one who is struggling with this whole entire aspect of growth.

THE BEGINNING

There is something missing from this blog. A conclusion, perhaps? Well, ladies and gents, this blog is an introduction. My enlightening journey in Berlin opened up a new beginning. Good golly, what a refreshing, and like Lydia said, humbling feeling!

ANTICIPATION

I read this blog again, and I realized this post has a lot of chaotic energy.

There will be moments, like right now, where I find myself being overwhelmed, my mind in a frenzy, and riddled with anticipation, but I know that will be a placating voice in the back of my mind assuring me, "Life is a marathon, not a race."

First Show Post-Berlin

First of all, the curtain call didn’t go on for twenty minutes and I can honestly say that i missed it. It felt strange not showing my gratitude by clapping for seven or eight rounds of bows. I did fight the American urge to stand, though. 

Second, I saw a dance show. 10 Hairy Legs was the company, the show had no title. Very different than Dorky Park. It was four separate pieces without an overlying narrative. It did not play with the idea amateur. It was also an all male company. On purpose. Not sure how I felt about that. 

But, most shows I saw in Berlin did not tug quite so on my heart in the way that this one did. I cried a couple of times during the course of the show. It was just so beautiful and then suddenly there was water coming out of my eyes. It was like seeing the pandas run at the zoo. 

Suffice to say, it was a strange experience sitting down in a theater for the first time since Berlin. It was inevitable. And it served to further emphasize the differences between the performances in the countries. Germans definitely know how to combine performance styles like theater or dance or visual art and turn them into performance pieces. They play with ideas like the amateur, narrative, and strong visual pictures. America seems to focus heavily on talent and skill and the raw performance that a human body is capable of unhindered by other elements. 

My heart longs for both. And I am simultaneously amazed and perplexed and intrigued by all of this. 

21 Days of Currywurst

Now that I am back in the states, I've realized that I definitely ate my way through Berlin - whether it be italian restaurants, vietnamese food, the occasional (or daily) ice cream, but most of all my beloved currywurst.

If you don't know what currywurst is (I'm sure most of you do because I yelled about it for three weeks), it is a sausage with or without skin sliced up, covered in a yummy sweet yet spicy curry (ketchup?) sauce, sprinkled with curry powder, with a side of fries and mayo. Perhaps one of the cheapest, most filling, unhealthiest meals I had while there. Roughly 14 times. And I'm not exaggerating. It's my favorite food. Hands down.

So, my friends, as self-proclaimed resident currywurst expert - I'm going to tell you the best places to get your currywurst.

1. NEVER get currywurst at the zoo. It's terrible. And fake. However, it was the biggest portion of sausage of them all. But it did not make my heart sing the way currywurst should
2. Kraeuzburger actually has pretty good currywurst, but not the typical kind. It's a lot spicier here. But, I did get it every time we sat in Ackerstraße at night after a show. A plus - they let you take as much mayo as you want rather than serving it themselves. 
3. Curry Mitte - a fave. I only went once, it was closed on holiday the second time I tried to go. But, this was the best I had. It was the perfect sauce and a really good sausage. If you want to try currywurst, go here. Period. 
4. Hauptbanhof currywurst - I did damage here. I ate here most often because it was literally down the street from the hostel. Often a late night treat after a show. It ranks #2 on my list - they're quick, efficient, and delicious. Down and dirty. Not quite as heavenly as Curry Mitte - but I did have 9/14 currywursts here. And I am not ashamed.

With all of that said, I'm realizing the ridiculous quantities of sausage, curry sauce, fries, and mayo I consumed. But I do miss it. I may even be going through withdraw. 

My first meal in Berlin, naturally.

Hauptbanhof currywurst, sans fries.

Curry Mitte currywurst. Just look at how many fires they give you.

At that point I had eaten a fair bit of the wurst.

Zoo currywurst. I have no words. Just sad.

Takeout currywurst from Kraeuzburger. My mouth was on fire.

Sit down currywurst from Kreauzburger. Currywurst on a plate just doesn't have the same touch as curry wurst in a paper wrapper.

My holy grail - Hauptbanhof currywurst. Featuring the weird dog that was on the hostel carpets. Look at all of that mayo. My mouth is watering and my heart is aching for it.

You did what in Berlin????

I believe in doing things impulsively. Otherwise thought may get in the way and prevent you from doing the thing. Whether it be walking in the city and impulsively deciding where to go next and discovering something new along the way, or going on a gut-feeling when figuring out where you want to eat. I think the best things come out of split second decisions.
This also may just be me justifying the fact that I got a tattoo while in Berlin. However, I knew that I did indeed want to get a tattoo while I was there since getting my acceptance. I wanted something that would forever be Berlin and be with me. I just didn't know what that was. It seemed to be a happy fate that one of my fellow trip-goers also wanted a tattoo while we were there. And it was also happy fate that while we were discussing what we wanted we both mentioned snakes. So, snakes it was (i.e. split second decision).
Now, catch me getting a little sappy here.. But I initially was worried about not knowing anyone on this trip and not being able to make friends with them. This is exactly the opposite of what happened. I ended up surrounded by lovely, friendly, incredible people for three weeks. It seemed only fitting that Iz and I have commemorative Berlin tattoos, but also a sort of bond. From strangers to friends in three weeks.
So, an impulse turned into reality. With lots of laughs, a lot of shrugs, a printing adventure, good coffee (twice), some hella good vegan burgers, and two tattoos. So, heres to split-second, here goes nothing, I guess this is happening, impulses.

Meet my snake:

I love him very much.

1:08pm surrounded by life

I have far too much to say and far too little tine left in this city. It is 1:08pm on June 9th. I am sitting in a rose garden somewhere near Bellevue Palace. I am by myself, yet surrounded by so many. I only have two days left here, and that makes my heart heavy. I am not entirely sure why, I can't quite put my finger on it. I think these past few weeks have been one big einfuhlong for me. Berlin is a work of art. Full of art. Full of life. Fully of history. I can feel it all around me. It is something that makes my brain buss and my toes tingle. I haven't felt this way in a long time. Awake. Alive. Hungry. And I only had to cross an ocean for that.
I learned something new every day and I learned even more about myself. Berlin has been a bug step in my journey of self discovery I realized I can be so much more and I can do so much more. I am not one specific thing. I am an artist. And I can own that. 
Since learning about the post dramatic in Dramaturgy, and since aligning myself as a dramaturg, I have felt a sort of kinship and attraction to German theater. They see things differently that we do. They live in the post-dramatic. They eat up theory. And then they do it. They devise, they alter text, they play with design. It was a refreshing break from the American pace. Among learning things about myself, I saw bits and pieces of art and performance that I want to do. It may not be realistic to work in Berlin one day, but it is realistic to brings aspects of their craft here.  Nothing is stopping us here in America from bringing the post-dramatic here. It may take time, and it will certainly take adjustment, but it is possible to introduce a new way of thinking and a new model. And I want to forever thank Berlin for showing me that. To show me the dream and how to make it realistic.
It will hurt to walk away from what feels to be the epi-center of the work that I want to do. What I had been waiting an entire school year for. It has left me hungry for so much. I want to read the theory books. I want to make connections. I want to see shows that challenge what performance is. I want to live in the post dramatic and never leave. But I walk away with such a sense of artistic fulfillment that I haven't gotten in a long time. I walk away knowing that I have stretched my intellect and flexed my observational skills. I walk away knowing that I have grown, tangling roots with the city and reaching for the sky. I walk away humbled, motivated, and happy. 
Berlin will always need you.

The Final Selfies - Part II

The Last, Last Ones

Orangerie Selfie ft. Christopher Cartmill. 2019.

 And just like that, we are at our end. Who would have thought that these selfies would carry me on this journey of bloggery?

Potsdam. You could have killed me but, alas, you did not. I did not think I would need sunscreen but, alas I did. I really thought that would do the trick but, alas, it did not.

Even though I got burnt, I still as able to enjoy the beauty of Sans Souci. It was truly enormous. It blows my mind to think that those grounds were somebody's backyard.

Hearing about Frederick the Great's past, his lover, and his pain was very powerful. It's rare that I hear something about queer history that I don't already know. The way that I cope with uncertainty or fear or any emotions that we humans usually seek to avoid is by researching it until it no longer hurts. That's what I did when I first began discovering my own queerness. I know a lot because I have been uncertain and scared a lot. So, it's always such a joy to learn something new that I hadn't dug up in moments of weakness.

Hauptbanhof Photobooth Headshot. 2019.

 How funny that my first "professional" headshot was taken in a photo booth in a train station in Berlin.

The night before, I received an email that my piece had been accepted. The next morning I received an email requesting a headshot. Where in the world was I going to get a headshot in GERMANY? I certainly could not use the photo I had brought to every college audition. Long hair. Baby face. Next to a tree. Braces.

I remembered the photo booth that I had taken a photo in for 1 Euro. In the Berlin Hauptbanhof train station. I wiggled into my black turtleneck, and applied some concealer to my hormonal acne. Cute.
In my old-ass Birkenstoccks, I shuffled into the tiny vestibule and slipped in 2 Euro to the machine. And, behold, my iconic first headshot.

The Look of Frustration on Eurowings Flight 1112. 2019.

Flying internationally sucks. I had only slept two hours (hardly) the night before due to a heavy rain storm that had several of us trapped in the cafe at Schaubuhnne. I also had not eaten anything except a bagel before seeing Richard III and continued this fast until I arrived home (over 24 hours later). Long story short, I was a mess.