I meant to write this so much earlier but alas, the craziness of summer has swiftly washed away to bring us into the new school year.
"How was your summer?" "How was your trip?" "Tell me all about it!"
All questions and statements of well-meaning friends and loved ones expecting me to be able to express in simple sentences how my time in Berlin changed the way I view theatre and the people/world around me. In short, I can't. Nor do I really want to. Of course I shared my favorite parts and explained a million times that after the first few shows in German you really don't need to understand the language because human emotion in universal (how deep, right?)
Not long after returning to the U.S. I was stage managing a show in NY. I went in to it with this new, positive, [dare I say] enlightened point of view, excited to share and use some of the concepts and personal ideas gained from Berlin theatre.
One week in, I was absolutely crushed.
Two weeks in, I was ready to quit. Not just the show, but stage management all together. I've never been so rattled, physically and emotionally drained, and betrayed by the career I thought I loved. overdramatic? Maybe. At the time though, I was one step from the ledge.
Two weeks and one day in, the director and producer decide they want me to go with them to the EdinburghFringe Festival in Scotland. With an all expenses paid trip to Scotland looming in my future I sucked it up. I would be an IDIOT to say no to that. I cried every night after making the decision to stick it out. Every night including the night I boarded at JFK. Is it really worth it?
Four weeks in, I'm enjoying a shared plate of haggis nachos in Europe with actors I've grown to love.
I'm rambling. Let me get to the point. The details of why I had such a negative experience are irrelevant. After coming from such a positive experience in Berlin to an astounding low I think my brain was yo-yoing into knots.
The idea of fantasy versus reality and the illusion of a created world on stage, separate of the audience is now a dark, outdated concept to me.
Long story short, I'm glad I stuck it out. I'm proud of myself. Scotland was rad and the Fringe was badass. I'm very lucky.
Christopher - lets talk about this when we find some time. I'd like to tell you the details and maybe come up with a plan before my next SM endeavor.
There is still no freedom in U.S. Theatre.
