Upon my emarking on this trip the word "change" seems to be looming around me. Rory Meaclean says in Berlin that, "Berlin is a city that is forever in the process of becoming, never being." Although thinking about it maybe that very same idea of "change" has been looming around me my whole life.
When I was sixteen my mother bought me a necklace with the tree of life on it. A symbol that stands for the fact that life is always growing, always in movement. The name of my high school acting ensemble was Samsara, a Sanskrit word that embodies the idea that life is a proccess of becoming. These similarities seem to be what led me to this point. Meaning both sitting here in Berlin and also the more figurative, "here." The figurative point being one where I'm not sure about anything.
At dinner last night Christopher asked us why we were here. And it was a moment where I was figuring out what I was saying as it was pouring out of my mouth. Maclean also says Berlin is a city without history. Its strong ties to the past have been repeatedly bombed out and ravages by war and pain and suffering. And for a girl who similarly lacks ties to the past, to tradition and often to my own identity because of those things, This city seems like the perfect place for me to work towards understanding myself. A concept I have struggled with immensly thanks to Global Theater.
I thank you greatly for that by the way Christopher.
It is also the perfect city to truly discover that nothing is precious. I have repeatedly been told by my teachers to get "messy." Which would be frsutrating enough if I knew what they were asking of me. But that would be way too easy and alas, I have been left to figure it out on my own. And I think I have found that my release from my predisposed "cleanliness" will be in accepting and loving the fact that nothing is precious. A lesson I think the Grey City can teach me better than just about anyone.
After only a short time here Berlin seems very much a city that is never satisfied. And I'm not sure why, but I can feel it. In the air, and the clear blue skies and the bright white sunlight. This feeling may come from the fact that I myself am never satisfied. And so it's something I seek out in other, in this instance, places. Seeing the shows this year at Rutgers just left me with a feeling of, "not quite." And the fact that the show that spoke to me the most was Love and Intrigue. A piece that was heavily influenced by last years Berlin trip. So for that reason I had to come. To see what theater can be, because I know it can me more that what I've experienced.
I must stay wary of expectations. I have a tendency to force a situation to be what I want and I am disappointed when it isn't that. My goal is to let the city show me what it can be. Stay excited for the day to come. And try not to spend too much money.
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