Ein Schauspieler

I am kind of freakin out here. In response to Pansy's post about being in limbo I felt the need to express my similar thoughts. I mean I think that at this time this is exactly how we are supposed to feel. It is quite a culture shock getting back to America, and although I am SO grateful to be home and SOO grateful for the experience I had in Germany, the combination of the two has got me feeling quite restless. And not just because I keep waking up at 5am craving dinner. (?)

I want to be an actor. I am questioning a lot of things about my life right now because of the trip but that is one thing that I can say with 30000% confidence. And I am grateful for this, but it's also torturing me.

I know that I am an artist and can create anytime that I want. And I am going through the motions of auditioning and creating art and talking to different people, but I just don't feel satisfied.

Watching a million shows was INCREDIBLE and I will never forget the ways that I stretched my creative and intellectual muscles on that trip. But every time I would walk out of a performance all that was going through my mind was "I want to do that, and I want to do that now".

I think I might also be feeling a bit of discomfort because the job of an actor that we were exposed to in Germany was so different than I had though from America. I love auditioning and the constant carefree mindset that actors have here. I think that I operate well on the "just audition, don't care if you get the part or not" mentality. However, when you're not actually getting the parts, or not even getting an audition it starts to get to you as an artist. In Germany it AMAZED me how stable the career of an actor was. Never had I thought before that you could be an actor coming right out of school and have such a stable career.

So. Hm. I guess I'm just intrigued by that but also I have a lot of hope for the future, and I have a lot of motivation for my present! I am just very grateful for this trip and the passion it has re given me. And although I might feel a little discomfort, this is good! And I know it will pay off in the end

:)