I'm the final guest... I'm the final guest... I'm the final guest...

[two disgruntled audience members leaving a theater. the show was not to their liking. in fact, it was probably hard to watch. it could be any show. it could be any theater. but for the sake of the hypothetical, let's just say that it might've been The Final Guest at The Berliner Ensemble.]

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1
Ow!

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2
What?!

AM #1
Ahhhhhhhhh!

AM #2
Why are you screaming...?

AM #1
Oh, god... It hurts... It hurts!

AM #2
What does?

AM #1
Ouchouchouch.

AM #2
Stop it!

AM #1
I can't. Oh, shit...

AM #2
What?

AM #1
Are you okay?

AM #1
Not anymore. Something's-- My god, help me.

AM #2
Are you having a hot flash?

AM #1
I'm in my sexual prime. But the pain--

AM #2
Let's get some medicine. What's hurting?

AM #1
Get me a piece of leather to bite.

AM #2
Here's my purse.

AM #1
Ahhhhh. Here it comes.

AM #2
Here what comes? Are you having a baby?!

AM #1
I had a hysterectomy. God!

AM #2
What should I do?!

AM #1
I think it's-- I think I'm passing a kidney stone... I'm sweating... I'm-- Ahhhh!

[audience member #1 reaches into her pants and pulls out a ring.]

AM #1
A kidney stone on a kidney band. This yours?

AM #2
What...?

AM #1
Did you put this in there?

AM #2
Why would-- Why the hell would I put a ring in there?!

AM #1
Safe keeping...?

AM #2
It's not mine.

AM #1
It's not mine.
...
...
...
What'd you think of the show?

AM #2
Pretty--

AM #1
Pretty bad?

AM #2
No. Just pretty. What about the plot?

AM #1
Ridiculous.

AM #2
It was like an opera. So much incest. Or perceived incest.

AM #1 
I wouldn't know. I don't speak German.

AM #2
Neither do I... Would it have made more sense if we did?

AM #1
Probably not... It might've made it worse. It's like August: Osage County meets Rigoletto meets...meets...

AM #2
Meets what?

AM #1
I don't know. I really don't know. 

AM #2
Pretty but nonsensical.

AM #1
Nonsensical but pretty.

AM #2
Pretty but stupid.

AM #1
What's something you can call the theater but not your lover?

AM #2
Pretty but stupid.
...
...
...
Wait... Why was he in the wheelchair the whole time...? And then he walked? What the hell was that?

AM #1
I don't know.

AM #2
Was it commentary on able-ism? 

AM #1
Or was it just because?

AM #2
Just because what?

AM #1
Just 'just because.'

AM #2
Just just just because.

AM #1
They had a lesbian. That's the height of inclusion.

AM #2
Is a lesbian enough diversity?

AM #1
Is a lesbian pianist enough to save a bad play?


AM #2
No!


AM #1
I'm the final guest.


AM #2
No. I'm the final guest.


AM #1
I am the final guest!


AM #2
I'm the final guest.


AM #1
Nonono. I am the final guest.


AM #2
I'm the last guest.


AM #1
I am the last guest!

AM #2
That was the last straw.

 [they are gone.]