A Couple Things

09.06.15 - A Couple Things 

Being in Berlin on this trip is like living in a fairy tale. We aren’t here long enough to feel the flaws but immediately feel the ones in the theater back home in the states. The only solace I find in anticipation of leaving this fairy tale is implementing these new ideas and thoughts into where I feel my life is already settled. I’m incredibly fortunate to be able to go into Performance Ensemble rehearsals with an expanded mindset that could lead to work that makes an audience uncomfortable. And by uncomfortable I mean pushed out of a complacent, comfortable mental zone even if only for a couple hours during and after the show. I only wish this because I have experienced it here and might be one of the few ways to bring Berlin to MGSA without sounding like a douche bag whose life has been changed by visiting Europe. 

I have never been so moved by a show like I was during 120 Days of Sodom. I was physically shaking in my seat. I wanted to vomit. And I wept as I never had before, especially in a theater caused by a show. I wept for those being portrayed on stage, their helplessness which I took on  as my own. I wept for my sense of motherhood triggered by a woman who was forcibly tied down and was concious long enough to see her tormentors rip her baby out of her uterus. At moments during this show when I was angry at it for making me feel this way I reflected on the many conversations we have had here about our disdain for how safe theater in the states is. Is this not what we have been searching for? Granted, Sodom is an extraordinary circumstance. A myriad of people left throughout the performance. But I wonder if there is a difference between how unsettling we want theater to be as an audience member vs. as an artist? We want to create provocative theater but not necessarily sit through it ourselves. I must say there is a big, big, life sized Indian wedding elephant difference between how Sodom and Richard III are provocative. It is almost uncomparable if not entirely. And a part of me felt somewhat assualted during Sodom but I did have the power to get up and leave at any point. But I found a beauty to the show within the experience it created for me. I cannot recall many times where I’ve been equally full of emotions as I have been during a solid activity in Kevin’s class.

What I noticed the most in myself after Sodom was how small the trivial things in my life became. I got an email from something inconsequential- a promotional email, and realized, this means so little. And I thought what would life be like if mainstream American theater made people feel this way? If people felt so full from empathy that the other stuff faded away. Instead, much of the disheartening theater seems to support or indulge in materialism (the amount of prouct placement in art is astonishing). In the end the supporters, investors, get what they want which in this example is a flow of people supporting their product. But who truly has the power here?

What would have happened last night during Stranger had the supporters felt empowerd to change the rules or actually participate by cheering or booing? During Brandon’s defenses, he received deserved laughs and applause, that in my opinion influenced the jurrors to trust Brandon’s judgment through the rest of the game. Imagine if the whole game had been filled with similar behavior? I think everyone would have experienced a phenomenon of feeling powerful only to realize you hold little to none. 

The show made me think of the invisible power brought into the room from the outside: the power of perception. Almost all of the game was based on reading the faces and people around me. And it raised a lot of questions. How was I perceived? What made it so I was challenged the least out of everyone? My energy? The faces I chose? My spot on the floor? How did my attitude in presenting my choosen face or person effect the jurors? How did the clothing I wore give me an advantage? Disadvantage? 

There was one point in the game where I realized I was catering to what I thought would help me win. I ended up playing into stereotypes and first judgements of people based on my “intuition.” Our intuition is built under a system so of course a game built around intuition had an underlying tone of hierarchy. And there I was trying to manipulate the hierarchy in my favor for my own personal gain. For some reason after the game I had a sick feeling in my stomach and I couldn’t articulate or understand why until now. I had used first judgments and stereotypes of what people looked like entirely for the purpose of my own perception of “success” in the moment. Sure I won the game and felt great getting the bottle of champagne but felt like complete shit afterwards. And this game was supposedly based on my intuition, wherever it comes from, and I am ashamed that I catered to the system that created these stereotypes instead of defying them or changing the rules of the game.