Limits and being fearless as an artist.

We talked a lot about limits and boundaries. After seeing many theaters here, I felt my mental limits have been pushed. It seemed like they had to be pushed until they disappeared. I was willing to work harder in a more creative way without thinking about any fear or concerns. 120 Days of Sodom has reminded me of one important thing that I was forgetting. That is the fact that I am not God and therefore I do have limits. I have a different meaning of the word ‘limit’ than I had before. I am free to express and create but still, that doesn’t mean I am God.

120 Days of Sodom presents the messiness of souls. It was unbelievably messy. And I saw how so called ‘freedom of having no limits’ can be dangerous.

The show reminded me of the Cannes awarded film The Blue Is The Warmest Color.  When I watched it at a movie theater, people clapped and praised the movie. I personally didn’t like it because the actors were suffering their soul for the movie and I could see that through their acting. The intense lesbian sex scene wasn’t absolutely necessary in my opinion. The director required very specific fantasies and the actors were in pain. It was sad to see their impeccable acting because it was not the technique, it was their real pain.

For me, it had made it certain that the moment actors or audience hurt their soul, that is no longer art. I am an artist, God’s mediator to tell the story to audience. I have no right to damage people spiritually. This boundary once again came very clear while I was watching the show today. I was excited and thrilled to get to specify the theater I want to do.

Below are my random thoughts I had during the show. I started writing because I couldn’t keep looking at it.

I am glad to remember:  

I am one of THEM. The people on stage who I can’t even look at. Killing and raping and doing all the horrible things for their own satisfaction. Greedy, sad, frightened sinners. That was me. And that IS me when I am not listening to God’s delicate voice.

I fear that if I become ‘fearless’ in the theater that I will become fearless against God.

There is nothing to fear but God.

I pray for the actors’ soul after performing in such a show.

I pray for the audience who decided either to leave or to stay and continue watching.

Who could say it is just acting and nothing to do with their souls if I am feeling disgusted and my body feels sick by it?

I never want my soul to be sucked into something people call theater or art.

The soul is more important than the world.

How does the actor’s crafting/ emotions/ life – sense of being in the imaginary circumstance relates to their soul?

What should I really fear?

Even people who are not religious feel and know what is right and wrong.

There IS right and wrong. There IS good and bad.

What are these people clapping for?

These are the pictures of audience members in front of Volksbühne theater before and after the show. I looked at them. After the show, I felt sorry for these people. Artists should be responsible towards their audiences' soul.