Now that I’m in Poland, I think I actually feel a little bit of a culture shock. I fell in love with my lifestyle in Berlin: waking up in the morning to go to a museum to learn about art, to draw, or to read and then in the evenings to watch a play that I would learn from whether I loved it or not. Now that I’m in Poland, I am actually using my brain twice as much to think of the right words to say and actually have to use my second language to get around. I’m also enjoying the country life while still dreaming about plays in the city. While my lifestyle has changed, my thoughts have not. I love theater more than ever and only wish to create work, learn more about theater and acting, and to continue seeing as much work as possible (without going bankrupt). I wish I could have recorded every moment and emotion I felt along the way because more than anything this was an emotional journey and I think I can speak on behalf of the whole class that we have all changed in some way. No one left Berlin as the person that they came as; however, the way we will continue living our lives is a choice. We will need to choose to use what we have learned and to replace our habits with new ideas and try out our new ways of thinking. The playing and experimenting doesn’t stay in Berlin; at least for me, I want it to continue. This blog will hopefully solidify this promise that I’m aiming to keep.
The truth is there is no real plan for my future as much as it would make me feel more comfortable to have one. There is no one who is more in charge of my future than myself (except for God).
At some point of my trip, I recalled my first acting class that I had last fall semester. There was a fellow student in my class who had the issue of “the little fucker in the back of his head” that I could never part with since I heard that phrase because I knew I had that same thing happening to me. I was being self-conscious or self-critical or just preventing myself from my full potential (I don’t even know what to really call it) but I realized that my issue was going from inside the class room and into my life. One reason why I wanted to study abroad was because I knew I had to put myself in an environment that would convince my mind that I love this enough to continue because “the little fucker in the back of my mind” wouldn’t let me be. If what I’m saying doesn’t make sense what I’m trying to say is I'm preventing me from being me because of my own doubts.
After Berlin, I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t know how, but 3 weeks was the perfect recipe for getting over this hill.
Another reason why I know I was hesitant was because I was scared of my family’s reaction knowing that they didn’t support me acting. I think a better way of putting it actually is just that they are scared but I can’t let their fear stop me. I know that no one will also be more proud of me than them when I’m successfully doing my thing. Also, when telling a close family friend before Berlin about how I felt about my circumstance, her words of advice and from experience are to always stay kind to my parents, so along the way, I am just trying to ease everyone into it, which has been a juggling act, but I would have it no other way. I love them too much to be so selfish and I love myself enough to not choose a future that I know already I won’t feel fulfilled with. There is a quote by June Carter Cash that I always try to live by where people would ask her how she was and she would answer, “I’m just trying to matter”. Life matters to me, my family matters to me, and now I really cannot deny that theater matters to me.
This title of this blog post pretty much means to me that as much as I would love to continue my adventures in Berlin, it’s time for the next step. I’ve learned what I’ve needed to about myself to keep going. While walking at different speeds along the way, I’m here now. I am in Poland with my family, eating Polish food, talking about acting and theater in Polish, and seeing my family change as they see how much this means to me. (granted some I haven’t seen from 3-10 yrs) Surprisingly, I have more support than I thought. I also think secretly I have my parents support but it is covered with fear, so while that is still hiding, I will work towards my future and hopefully prove them wrong in the process. It is time to change course and to finally allow myself to take the road I want to walk on, because I told the universe so…
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